Well I’m back. Unfortunately I have really bad news to report. If you look at the side bar you’ll notice that I had a fast on Wednesday. Even though I was under a lot of stress and had a mountain of work to do I decided that I would stick to the original plan and fast on Wednesday. I mainly decided this because I felt a little guilty for cancelling all my other fasts- since my diet is simply just adding 800 cals. to the ABC diet I would just eat 800 calories on fast days. However, I started to feel like that wasn’t good enough so I threw caution to the wind and fasted Wednesday. The fast itself was a success- it was almost too easy to fast. I’m usually really busy, so finding time to eat can sometimes be a challenge, also not eating just gave me more time to get work done. I’ve always been really good at the actual fasting part. The problems come when I go back to eating. The ends of the fasts’ always trigger huge binges for me, and when I say huge I mean HUGE. I will sometime binge and eat over 4,000 calories in just one day. However, Thursday binge was one of the worst I have ever had. Thursday I probably spent about $30 on food and ate about 5,500 calories!
Thursday went something like this:
-woke up at 6:00am had some cereal (binge triggered)
-ate the rest of my (half full) box of cereal, then opened and ate boyfriends entire
box of cereal
-got ready for school (shower, dress, etc.)
-ate 5 clif bars (each clif bar has 250 calories)
-finished PowerPoint for presentation
-ate massive bowl of oatmeal
-arrived on campus: instead of going to the classroom where I was supposed to be setting up for the presentation that I had to do that morning I went and spent over $10 on junk from the vending machine, then I went and hid in a study carrel and stuffed my face.
-when I finished shoveling food in my mouth it was 9:30am, which is the exact time I was supposed to be standing in front of a class and giving a presentation. So I hurry and try and get rid of all the evidence (food wrappers) and rush out of the library. Well I quickly found that stomach filled to capacity with junk food + rushing/ moving quickly = nausea and vomiting.
-I spent about 10 minutes in the bathroom puking my guts out, thankfully only 2 people came in the bathroom while I was puking and whether it was my large size or they just didn’t give a crap they left me alone after me mumbling stuff about the stomach flu in between gagging.
-after washing up I arrived to class about 15 minutes late, and had the privilege of having an entire room of students stare at me while I made pleas and excuses to the professor.
-After suffering through that class I went to the bathroom where I preceded to vomit uncontrollably yet again. Yet, when I was done instead of going to directly to my next class I decided that all the vomiting I did meant there was now more room in my stomach so I went and bought animal crackers. One bag I shoved down my throat as soon as I bought it, the other I ate during my 11:00am class, which I was also late for.
-after that it was pretty much more of the same for the rest of the day. I even went home early from work that night because my stomach couldn’t take it anymore.
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Thursday was by far the worst day, but I continued to overeat for the rest of the week. Yesterday was the only day that I didn’t eat over 3,000 calories. I’m not sure how I should handle these failures in terms of my 50 day challenge. I’m torn between adding an extra week to the challenge and drastically cutting the calories for the upcoming weeks. This week is a pretty low calorie week and I don’t want to run the risk of trigging another binge since that might be partly why I had such a tuff time on Thursday, so I don’t think that I’ll be cutting the cals. this week, which means I’m really lost on how to make this right.
Please if anyone has any suggestions or help I’m all ears- except things like purging or take laxatives, I gave up purging a longtime ago and have no desire to fall back into a binge purge cycle, and I have never and will never use laxative. I know I messed up big time, but I’m ready to get back up and try again, and if anyone has any solutions on how I could do that, I’d love to hear it.
Needless to say I haven’t stepped on the scale in quite a bit of time so I have no idea how much I weigh. I know the number has to be insanely high. In one day I ate enough for 3 people, that is not only pathetic is also revolting to think about. But I’m actually going to face the music, this Wednesday I’m going to see how much I weigh. Since today and tomorrow are both low days I think that my stomach may go down some before I have to step on the scale. Right now my body is still really puffy and gross and I don’t think I’ll be brave enough to get on the scale Wed. morning, but I feel it’s something I need to do. I really hope the number on the scale gives me strength to fight, if it’s anything higher than 215 I might just have a breakdown
I actually have a lot more things/ news that I wanted to mention, but this post is already very long so I’ll save the rest for tomorrow.
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| Never again |
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| I have goals and I WILL accomplish them!!!! |
XOXO
Ayla
For binges:
ReplyDeleteNever feel like you can reward yourself with food. Food is not a reward. It's only there to keep you alive. It's fuel. Not comfort, or victory, or joy.
Don't keep more than a few days worth of food in the house. I have to make time to grocery shop about every 3 days. If I binge I will eat everything I possibly can. By having less, I am not able to eat more.
NEVER bring money with you to university. It's too tempting. Bring your alloted food for the day. Thats it.
Don't hide your food. Only allow yourself to eat when others are around. It really can slow a binge down if you won't allow yourself to hide.
Keep a pack of gum with you on days you feel bingey. Force yourself to chew gum for atleast an hour when you get the urge to binge. For me, the urge goes away long before the time frame ends. Use this time to figure out why you want to eat.