Pretty pissed off right now I’m in one of the carrels in the library and these dumb ass girls are talking so loud. I’ve already had to tell them to shut up twice. If I have to do it again, then it won’t be pretty. Urg- I know a part of it comes from the fact that I’m still upset about the number I saw on the scale this morning. For some reason I got it in my head that anything higher than 204 would be horrible. So when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw 205, I just felt like utter shit. I know it’s stupid and that I should be happy with any weight loss, especially so close to my period when I normally gain a pound or two of water weight, but I don’t care. I want to lose this weight faster. If I wanted to do it the slow way then I’d just go back to eating 1900 calories, it makes me feel like all my effort is for nothing. Though to be honest I can’t expect huge weight loss with the calories so damn high anyway. If I don’t reach my goal weight for this week (201.5 by Sunday), then I’m officially lowering the calories. I feel like such a fat loser right now. It’s pathetic knowing that had I got on the scale and it had been just one pound less, I would be feeling much better about myself. Wow, it’s ridiculous that the scale has this much power over my life. This is exactly why I don’t allow myself to weigh in everyday. I think I should cut another day of the week that I’m not allowed to weigh, but I already feel like 2 days out of the week not weighing is a lot so I doubt I could handle a third. *SIGH* I just don’t know what to feel about this I’m very confused. I know this shouldn’t be bothering me, but it is. I keep telling myself to stop being so silly it’s just one pound it doesn’t matter, but it does matter. If I had gone off the eating plan and weighed 205 then I’d be happy, but I’ve been really good, and I think that’s part of what’s bothering me about this.
Okay so I’m going to stop whining and try and be more positive. I still lost 1.5 pounds, and the week isn’t over yet. If I bust my butt at work, and avoid junk food, then I may get a pleasant surprise on the scale tomorrow morning. I’m also going to complete the rules and rewards part of the weight loss game I wanted to do. Actually I may suggest that my weight loss partner and I use it for our competition, I’d have to leave out some things so she doesn’t get suspicious, but I think having someone close to me competing with me will help, even though she doesn’t seems as into as I am. Hmmm, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned her in a post before. Well I have a weight loss buddy, we’ll call her El. However, she’s not the type of weight loss buddy that I might find on here, and I can’t tell her even half the things I think about food. Just the thought of me going under 1200 calories would probably be too much for her to handle. We’ve been talking about going on a diet and using each other for support, but thus far I appear to be the only one who’s lost any real weight and she doesn’t even know how much I weigh now, she thinks that I’m still about 214 pounds. I really wish that someone more hardcore lived near me, it would be so awesome. Something else I should be happy about is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with my assignments. By this time next week I should have be all caught up!
I’d also like to give a special thanks to my 2 newest followers, Thin_Envy and ChildofApathy and the two wonderful women who commented on my last post- thanks Africana knowing that you overcame a similar situation (previously being 250) really helps. I’ll stop here because I think this post is more than long enough, and I’d like to catch up on some blogs before I have to go back to working on assignments, besides my mood is all over the place right now!
Thinspiration
Have a Fabulously Thin Friday,
Ayla
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