Working 2 jobs sucks!

My life is pretty crazy right now, so once again this is just a quick update to touch base.

I know I've been promising to do a real update for weeks, but I swear I'll do one tomorrow. In fact, I'll use my lunch break to type it on my phone then when I get home from my second job I'll post it on here!

Also shout out to my newest followers, and sorry for being MIA for so long.

Much love,
Ayla

Vacation

I know I was supposed to update sooner, but I’ve been extremely busy. Unfortunately, this isn’t a real update either. I’m leaving to go on vacation in less than an hour but wanted to touch base here first, since I’ve been gone for so long. I promise, promise, promise, when I get back I’ll fill everyone in.

Much love,

Ayla

Coming Soon

I know I haven’t been doing a good job blogging, but I’ve just been too busy lately. I graduated this past Saturday, which means no more assignments...well until I start graduate school. Right now I’m in the process of trying to find another job that works with my current job schedule, so that I’m able to have both, which has turned out to be harder than I originally thought. Well got to run, I have lots to do today. I promise that I will be doing a real update very soon.- If not this week then definitely Monday.

Also I’d like to shout out my two newest followers Americaneagle, and Ulla.lexie. Thanks so much for following, I’m sorry that I have been MIA so much, but that should all change next week.

Ayla

Super Busy

Still really busy, and buried under a mountain of assignments. I have much to say just no time to do it in, probably won’t be able to update again until the end of next week.

Shout out to me newest follower tia louise

XOXO

Ayla

Big Changes Coming (Day 27)

Just found out about a massive deadline to be thinner for in June, add that to my recent failure and I have decided to make some changes. I’ll do a longer post Friday or Saturday explaining everything, but right now I’m swamped with work and I still have some blogs I want to catch up on.

XOXO

Ayla

Feeling Better (Day 26)

Back on track and feeling good.

Catching up on reading blogs.

Busy, Busy, Busy.

Getting on the scale tomorrow morning.

Longer update coming soon.

Ayla

Monster (Day 25)

Well I’m back. Unfortunately I have really bad news to report. If you look at the side bar you’ll notice that I had a fast on Wednesday. Even though I was under a lot of stress and had a mountain of work to do I decided that I would stick to the original plan and fast on Wednesday. I mainly decided this because I felt a little guilty for cancelling all my other fasts- since my diet is simply just adding 800 cals. to the ABC diet I would just eat 800 calories on fast days. However, I started to feel like that wasn’t good enough so I threw caution to the wind and fasted Wednesday. The fast itself was a success- it was almost too easy to fast. I’m usually really busy, so finding time to eat can sometimes be a challenge, also not eating just gave me more time to get work done. I’ve always been really good at the actual fasting part. The problems come when I go back to eating. The ends of the fasts’ always trigger huge binges for me, and when I say huge I mean HUGE. I will sometime binge and eat over 4,000 calories in just one day. However, Thursday binge was one of the worst I have ever had. Thursday I probably spent about $30 on food and ate about 5,500 calories!

Thursday went something like this:

-woke up at 6:00am had some cereal (binge triggered)

            -ate the rest of my (half full) box of cereal, then opened and ate boyfriends entire

              box of cereal

-got ready for school (shower, dress, etc.)

-ate 5 clif bars (each clif bar has 250 calories)

-finished PowerPoint for presentation

-ate massive bowl of oatmeal

-arrived on campus: instead of going to the classroom where I was supposed to be setting up for the presentation that I had to do that morning I went and spent over $10 on junk from the vending machine, then I went and hid in a study carrel and stuffed my face.

-when I finished shoveling food in my mouth it was 9:30am, which is the exact time I was supposed to be standing in front of a class and giving a presentation. So I hurry and try and get rid of all the evidence (food wrappers) and rush out of the library. Well I quickly found that stomach filled to capacity with junk food + rushing/ moving quickly = nausea and vomiting.

-I spent about 10 minutes in the bathroom puking my guts out, thankfully only 2 people came in the bathroom while I was puking and whether it was my large size or they just didn’t give a crap they left me alone after me mumbling stuff about the stomach flu in between gagging.

-after washing up I arrived to class about 15 minutes late, and had the privilege of having an entire room of students stare at me while I made pleas and excuses to the professor.

-After suffering through that class I went to the bathroom where I preceded to vomit uncontrollably yet again. Yet, when I was done instead of going to directly to my next class I decided that all the vomiting I did meant there was now more room in my stomach so I went and bought animal crackers. One bag I shoved down my throat as soon as I bought it, the other I ate during my 11:00am class, which I was also late for.

-after that it was pretty much more of the same for the rest of the day. I even went home early from work that night because my stomach couldn’t take it anymore.





Thursday was by far the worst day, but I continued to overeat for the rest of the week. Yesterday was the only day that I didn’t eat over 3,000 calories. I’m not sure how I should handle these failures in terms of my 50 day challenge. I’m torn between adding an extra week to the challenge and drastically cutting the calories for the upcoming weeks. This week is a pretty low calorie week and I don’t want to run the risk of trigging another binge since that might be partly why I had such a tuff time on Thursday, so I don’t think that I’ll be cutting the cals. this week, which means I’m really lost on how to make this right.  

Please if anyone has any suggestions or help I’m all ears- except things like purging or take laxatives, I gave up purging a longtime ago and have no desire to fall back into a binge purge cycle, and I have never and will never use laxative. I know I messed up big time, but I’m ready to get back up and try again, and if anyone has any solutions on how I could do that, I’d love to hear it.

Needless to say I haven’t stepped on the scale in quite a bit of time so I have no idea how much I weigh. I know the number has to be insanely high. In one day I ate enough for 3 people, that is not only pathetic is also revolting to think about. But I’m actually going to face the music, this Wednesday I’m going to see how much I weigh. Since today and tomorrow are both low days I think that my stomach may go down some before I have to step on the scale. Right now my body is still really puffy and gross and I don’t think I’ll be brave enough to get on the scale Wed. morning, but I feel it’s something I need to do. I really hope the number on the scale gives me strength to fight, if it’s anything higher than 215 I might just have a breakdown

I actually have a lot more things/ news that I wanted to mention, but this post is already very long so I’ll save the rest for tomorrow.

Never again

I have goals and I WILL accomplish them!!!!

XOXO

Ayla

 

Busy Busy Busy (Day 18)

This is going to be another really quick post; it’s also going to be my last post until Friday. I have a jammed packed week and even taking the time to do this is post is costing me.

Okay time for food and diet update: I had to cancel the fast on Sunday, I ate 800 calories. Sadly all 800 calories came in the form of sugary junk food. In fact that’s pretty much all I ate all weekend- sugary junk food. I’ve decided not to weigh myself for an entire week, I’m very stressed out right now, and the number on the scale affects me way too much, so I’ve decided that I won’t weigh myself until this Sunday.- It is going to be so hard not weighing for an entire week, but I’m sick of being controlled by the scale. I need to learn how to gauge my progress by things other than the number on the scale. I’ve had 2 people comment on my weight loss, and yet I still felt like shit because the scale didn’t give me the number I wanted, that’s just ridiculous. Let’s see if I can make it an entire week without sneaking a peek at my weight.

Quick shout out to my newest follower Struggle2bethin, thanks for following. Also to answer your question about my previous weight loss, done the ‘healthy way’, it took almost 2 years and I dropped over 120 pounds. So a massive weight loss, but it took forever to lose. However, I’ve been doing my own modified version of the ABC diet (add 800 cals. to ana boot camp diet) for about 2 weeks and have already lost almost 10 pounds (I haven’t weighed in a couple days so I could be even less). Well time to do lab homework, and hopefully finish a 7 page paper before my 2pm class. *SIGH* Why does college have to be so damn hard?

Some thinspiration to get you through the week:



 

Just wrong





Much better

Ayla

JUST SHUT UP!!! (Day 15)

Pretty pissed off right now I’m in one of the carrels in the library and these dumb ass girls are talking so loud. I’ve already had to tell them to shut up twice. If I have to do it again, then it won’t be pretty. Urg- I know a part of it comes from the fact that I’m still upset about the number I saw on the scale this morning. For some reason I got it in my head that anything higher than 204 would be horrible. So when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw 205, I just felt like utter shit. I know it’s stupid and that I should be happy with any weight loss, especially so close to my period when I normally gain a pound or two of water weight, but I don’t care. I want to lose this weight faster. If I wanted to do it the slow way then I’d just go back to eating 1900 calories, it makes me feel like all my effort is for nothing. Though to be honest I can’t expect huge weight loss with the calories so damn high anyway. If I don’t reach my goal weight for this week (201.5 by Sunday), then I’m officially lowering the calories. I feel like such a fat loser right now. It’s pathetic knowing that had I got on the scale and it had been just one pound less, I would be feeling much better about myself. Wow, it’s ridiculous that the scale has this much power over my life. This is exactly why I don’t allow myself to weigh in everyday. I think I should cut another day of the week that I’m not allowed to weigh, but I already feel like 2 days out of the week not weighing is a lot so I doubt I could handle a third. *SIGH* I just don’t know what to feel about this I’m very confused. I know this shouldn’t be bothering me, but it is. I keep telling myself to stop being so silly it’s just one pound it doesn’t matter, but it does matter. If I had gone off the eating plan and weighed 205 then I’d be happy, but I’ve been really good, and I think that’s part of what’s bothering me about this.

Okay so I’m going to stop whining and try and be more positive. I still lost 1.5 pounds, and the week isn’t over yet. If I bust my butt at work, and avoid junk food, then I may get a pleasant surprise on the scale tomorrow morning. I’m also going to complete the rules and rewards part of the weight loss game I wanted to do. Actually I may suggest that my weight loss partner and I use it for our competition, I’d have to leave out some things so she doesn’t get suspicious, but I think having someone close to me competing with me will help, even though she doesn’t seems as into as I am. Hmmm, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned her in a post before. Well I have a weight loss buddy, we’ll call her El. However, she’s not the type of weight loss buddy that I might find on here, and I can’t tell her even half the things I think about food. Just the thought of me going under 1200 calories would probably be too much for her to handle. We’ve been talking about going on a diet and using each other for support, but thus far I appear to be the only one who’s lost any real weight and she doesn’t even know how much I weigh now, she thinks that I’m still about 214 pounds. I really wish that someone more hardcore lived near me, it would be so awesome. Something else I should be happy about is seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with my assignments. By this time next week I should have be all caught up!

I’d also like to give a special thanks to my 2 newest followers, Thin_Envy and ChildofApathy and the two wonderful women who commented on my last post- thanks Africana knowing that you overcame a similar situation (previously being 250) really helps. I’ll stop here because I think this post is more than long enough, and I’d like to catch up on some blogs before I have to go back to working on assignments, besides my mood is all over the place right now!

Thinspiration



Have a Fabulously Thin Friday,

Ayla

Better (Day 14)

Quick shout out to my newest follower, Africana.- Thanks for following!

Well after reading some blogs and thanks to Empty Shell’s (Blacklisted) post, I realize that my life isn’t that bad and could be a whole lot worse. I’m still buried under assignments but I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel, at the end of next week I should be all caught up.

Since it’s Thursday and I’m not allowed to weigh myself on Tuesdays or Thursdays I’m not sure how much I weigh. I’m really hoping for 204 or less. I should have lost all the extra water weight by then, so I should see a decent number on the scale. For some reason I have it in my head that I should at least be at 204, and anything above that is bad.- I get like that sometimes and I really don’t know why. Once I get it in my head that I want to see a certain number on the scale anything higher won’t do. I’m also upset that I have been eating all the calories allowed for each day. I wanted to come in at least 100 calories under the maxium for each day, but I really haven’t been. Thankfully I’ve done a fairly decent job of staying away from junk food, so the calories I have been consuming are mostly from healthy type food.

Moonlight-Mistress left a comment on my last post about have problems with my blog on her blog roll, if anyone else has any problems let me know and I’ll do my best to fix them. Well I’m about to be late for my 2:00 class, so I’ll end it here and leave you with some thinspo.

Thinspiration

Wow, this blog is really helps.- I feel so much better!!!!
Ayla